just my luck

between the new facial hair and the fact that i heard through the grapevine that he is dating someone new, i think i finally over my crush.


only took a year...

boys are weird

why have intense e-mail conversations with me if you are barley going to acknowledge me in public?!?!

it's the polite thing to do

well PF had her baby last night.

she and the baby are okay...which is what i wanted to know...which is why i got in touch with a mutual friend to find out.


so what should i do now?

send a card?



blech.

dammit

i swear!

i'm over him...only for him to suck me back in.

totally ignore me at social gatherings...only to have a flurry of e-mails (or really hot text messages) the next day.



i really don't think i can do this much longer.

bah

i must be in heat or something...because the crush is looking hotter each time i see him!

the hotness...and then the coldness

i don't know how how much i can stay of the crush's turning the heat up and then for no reason turning it off.
hard.

i mean it was like a week of solid HOT flirting. and then, nothing. back to being casual acquaintances.
i can't do that.

now whenever i see him i'm not thinking very pure thoughts about him.

birthday, schmirthday

ugh.

for whatever reason this birthday is not good. something is making me sad and just generally unhappy.

i know that most people thought that my last birthday was a hard one for me, but honestly turning thirty wasn't bad. but turning thirty-one...not so good.

i'm not sure if it's work stuff, personal stuff, or my life is a complete shambles that is making this birthday not...good.

i just feel miserable and i don't want to take anyone down with me.

my stomach has been feeling a bit dodgy as well

so PF e-mailed me a novel on tuesday morning extending an "olive branch of sorts." it has the same tone she used in her original e-mail to me in december...as if she was lecturing a child.


homey don't play that.



she basically wants me to state whether or not i want to remain friends. as one (or two?) friend said, should friendship be this hard?

on the one hand we have been friends for something ridiculous like 11 years and i should make an effort to remain friendly with her.

on the other hand, even doormat me can only take so much patronizing crap from people before i pull away.


so i'm sending her an e-mail at the end of the day (i really can't wait that much longer) stating my indecision.

this will not make her happy.
but as i'm (slowly) learning, i need to start worrying about my own happiness.

let's try something new

so my new theory to get over my crush is to CONSTANTLY tell myself that i'm over him.

yeah....it's going as well as expected.

valium is my new friend

sigh.
so i became a grown up today.


i called the dentist.


good news: i probably don't have cavities


bad news: my chipped teeth are the least of my problems


good news: i got a prescription for valium


bad news: it will cost me over $400 to get my gums fixed

sitemeter whore

seriously.

i totally ::heart:: sitemeter.

i check it frequently throughout the day. not because i get a zillion hits, but because i'm nosy and what to know who's been on my site and what they did while they were there.

because of my nosiness, i know that PF still checks my other blog EVERY work day. the day she told me that she was having a boy, she checked my blog FOUR times. i know what she was looking for, she wanted to know if i was going to post about it.

probably so she can send me another angry letter about her privacy.

is it wrong to be so childish?
probably.

do i care?
not really.

worse friend ever

i'm starting to think i really am an insensitive bastard.

i sent out an e-mail today to a group of people at work that included photos from a past event. one of the photos had my friend smoking in it.

first i get an e-mail.

then a phone call.

then another e-mail asking me to retract the group e-mail.


why? because she didn't want a photo of her smoking getting out to the group. she was embarrassed. now keep in mind this photo is old and she hasn't smoked in quite a while. i honestly sent the photo as i thought everyone in the photo looked nice.


sigh. i really can't handle antagonizing another friend.

just one more thing to add to the list of "things i'll never"

bah.

i can't believe the pregnant friend was able to hurt me again. i mean what the hell? i thought i had finally come to terms with it. but no.

this morning i received an e-mail from a mutual friend with this in the e-mail:

I heard from [PF] that you two haven't spoken since we all went out back in December. I'm sorry to hear that and I hope that you are OK.

bah. i can't believe she's spoken to our mutual friends about this. yes, i have told my friends, but none that are actually in contact with her. i figure that circle of friends doesn't need to know that we are not speaking.

then the PF sent me a terse e-mail stating that she meant to include me on this e-mail that announced to all her acquaintances that she is expecting a boy.

yeah, right.
i think she left me off on purpose as it took her a while "to realize" i wasn't on the list.

BAHHHHH.
i really need to get over this.

blah

an awful way to start off the day is by seeing your ex on the subway.

what. the. hell.

i mean he doesn't live out by me or by this side of the line. so why is he on MY subway line?!

yeah...i totally ignored him and went to another train.

images

ugh.

for whatever reason my "photo" won't appear on the blog. so i'm reposting all the images that i have considered.

the theme is drinking...not "about to be date raped."

bah

it's getting worse.

i can't stop thinking about TheCrush.

worse is that his ex was looking at the other blog yesterday and looked at the archives during the month we had our "non-date." so this leads me down memory lane...and the site of him shirtless.

bah.

i need another distraction.

the story behind my fall

ugh.
where to begin?

i fell at lauriol plaza. the floor was slippery and i had no traction on my boots. when i fell i somehow chipped my teeth.

no, i didn't fall on my face. i fell on my ass. and knee.

i seriously can't believe i chipped my teeth (the left side of my jaw is alaso swollen). i'm terrified at what is wrong with them. i mean, i already had issues (i was avoiding the dentist as i didn't want to know the truth). now it's like everything is 10 times worse.

i really feel like crying.

babies, oh my!

so the post that upset my friend so much was the one where i said she announced she was pregnant and how it was a night of baby discussion.

well, on monday i saw a friend who spent her nye with the pregnant friend and her husband (along with a zillion other couples...only my monday night friend and her friend were the only non-coupled people there). that evening ANOTHER friend announced she was two months pregnant. immediately my pregnant friend leaped in and announced to them that she was also pregnant.

so the rest of the women there gathered around the two pregnant people and talked babies.

the two non-coupled people looked at each, realizing that neither could contribute to the conversation, and decided it was time to nap.


maybe that is what i should have done instead of posting...taking a nap.

dammit

so i saw TheCrush twice today.
and let me just say that yellow is an AWESOME color on him.

censorship

so i noticed that in the last few months (year?) that i've been censoring myself...mostly in fear of hurting others.

but what is the point then if i don't actually talk about what is pissing me off or who i'm a lovesick idiot over???

then it happened.
i wrote something that pissed a friend off.
big time.

i didn't even mean anything. i was merely expressing some frustration with the way one evening with one group of friends went.

next thing i'm told is that i better keep my opinions to myself.

yeah, i don't think my friendship is going to recover from something like that.

was i in the wrong?
probably.

did my friend handle it correctly?
absolutely not.
she couldn't have done it in a more painful way.

(i have found that my blog friends are more understanding of this situation and feel she is in the wrong...which is exactly what i want to hear.)

so welcome to the next generation. a blog that NONE* of my friends will ever know about.


yes, i will keep the more public blog up and running (if for no other reason than i like my random readers from canada and australia). but this...this is where i will talk about how i went out drinking and dancing the night before without anyone calling me seconds later and judging me. this is where i will talk about how i have a huge crush on so-and-so without someone calling me seconds later and wanting the FULL story. this will be my safe place. my happy place.

and if somehow you found this and feel the need to judge, please go to the other blog and post unpleasant comments there. i'm all prepared there.


now back to your scheduled programming.
sigh.

*and by "none" i mean my non-blog friends and that particular circle of friends...which i'm probably not friends with anymore.